Achilles, Greek hero of the Trojan War, was shot in the heel
with an arrow creating a small wound that was ultimately his demise. Although I am sure to physically recover from
my Achilles heel injury, my mental state is another story…
It’s been six long weeks since I tore my right Achilles
tendon juggling a soccer ball with my family at the Long Beach, CA airport
while awaiting our flight home. That
means it’s been six long agonizing weeks
since I have been loping around on crutches.
Or, as it is called by the informed, “crutching.” While my balance is improving every day, and
I am sure I will be unbeatable at Twister, here are ten reasons why you should
avoid crutching (or really injury) at all costs.
#1. It’s freaking
exhausting! All that hopping, loping and
dragging yourself up and down while precariously holding onto any protuberant
surface makes boot camp seem like a walk in the park. Someone should come up
with the “Crutching Work-Out/Diet.” You
use all sorts of big and small muscle groups, sweat constantly, need to nap for
a good two hours a day and don’t have the energy – or strength – to eat.
#2. Peeing in the
wee hours: Nothing is more dreadful than waking up at 3AM only to realize that
you have to take a one-legged pee and that your mode of transport is
crutches. Sound asleep and weary, you
must watch out for the stray fallen pillow and the rolled up bathroom mat as
you ease yourself down onto the awaiting seat, only having to make the
treacherous journey back.
#3. One-legged showering: It took me two weeks to figure out how to
shower with one leg out of the shower, and a few handy implements. My first shower lasted about 30 seconds, or
as long as I thought I could balance while frantically washing all body parts
and my length of hair. My husband stood by and lifted me in and out. It was far from relaxing and far from
practical. While I did get better at
hopping in and out myself, and mastered the art of tying plastic garbage bags
around my cast, my mom saved the day when she brought over a shower chair. It’s a must.
While it does get slippery when you soap up, it allows you to relax
under the soothing spray of hot water. The
second implement is the waterproof cast cover.
Although it didn’t initially fit over my heavy-duty post-surgery splint
and wrap, it now fits nicely around my bright pink cast (I figured, why not go
pink?).
#4. Enjoying your
morning coffee. Forget about leisurely
drinking your hot coffee while reading the Wheaties box for the umpteenth
time. With crutches, you drink your
coffee over the sink, as fast as you can.
#5. It’s
treacherous and “ouch-y.” You’d think it
was enough that you’re still suffering the discomfort of having your foot re-attached
to your leg. But watch out for all of the new “ouchies” that come from
crutching. Currently my own list
includes a bruised hand, stubbed pinky and big toe, abrasions on both knees and
two sore armpits.
#6. Stairs become
your arch nemesis. Two things on
stairs. One: All stairs are not built
the same. While I am adept at hopping
and tushy-ing my way up and down my own in-door banister-ed stairs, there are
other stairs that take real courage to tackle, and the arm of a strong friend. Two: Hopping up and down stairs is strenuous
and tiring! (See #1, “It’s freaking
exhausting!”)
#7. You can’t carry
anything. Now why don’t crutches come
with pockets? Although I love wearing dresses
and skirts in the summer, these days I am resolved to wearing shorts with
pockets. But try carrying a load of
laundry in a 4-inch back pocket. Useless. These days, crawling with whatever has to get
from point A to point B is the new walking.
#8. Speaking of USELESS…: This should actually be listed at #1. Using crutches is exasperating, frustrating,
and arduous! And, as I tore my RIGHT
Achilles, I can’t even drive! As all who
know me can attest, I am not a restful spirit, happy to sit around and watch
mindless TV. I am high octane and like
to get things done! Nothing makes me
happier than getting in a good work-out, being productive at my job and then checking
off all my personal “to dos” for the day. Schpilkadik is what they call people
like me in Yiddish. That said, I am also
exhausted (see #1, “It’s freaking exhausting!)
#9. No more than
one alcoholic beverage: Okay, well I’m a
total light weight so if I go beyond one drink, I get tipsy. Suffice to say,
the combination of alcohol and crutches is just a bad one. Unless you want to
risk breaking, tearing, twisting another bone, tendon, etc. – keep sober.
#10. Handicapped
parking: While my mom has been singing the praises of handicapped parking, it
goes against my better nature (and my delusional state that I am still a young
and spritely, 25) to seek out handicapped parking and be happy about hanging my
sign on the car mirror. I am too young
for this! However, I am also exhausted,
(see #1: “It’s freaking exhausting!).
ONLY SIX MORE
WEEKS TO GO! AARRRGGHH!!!!
